More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
