I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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