I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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