And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
