she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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