I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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