I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
