She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
