when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
