the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
