y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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