You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
