He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
zippers are such a cool invention
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
