I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
