I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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