You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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