you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
