threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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