I didn't shave. On purpose
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
