Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
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