either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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