ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
