chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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