just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
