I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
