i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
