he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
