Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
