I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
