You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
