thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
