I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
