thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
