I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
