Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
