My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
