guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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