My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm sobbing to NWA
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
