i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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