I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
