I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
