his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
