need another drink. this is the easiest way
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
