so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
