I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
