my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
