I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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