I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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