so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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