What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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