I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
