I hate all girls vehemently.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
