She said her name was "party"
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
