I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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