I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
