I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
