I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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