the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
