My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize