I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
