my phone needs a breathalizer
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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