You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
